There have been a lot of articles about mental health issues and suicide lately, but in a lot of ways they're missing the mark. I've struggled with depression since the mid '90s, and I've tried a wide variety of solutions over the years, but nothing has fully nor permanently resolved my depression, so I've decided to accept my circumstances, to be gentle with my own inadequacies while still making the best of every day, and to use the information I learn about myself to help other people as much as possible. The information I've learned could save the life of someone you love, so whether or not you have depression, please keep reading.
I'm an optimist at heart. When new people meet me, most of them would never guess that I struggle with depression. I really do to try to look on the bright side and hope for the best, but for me, depression can be debilitating. It throws logic out the window and warps my perceptions of reality. The weird part is that when I'm feeling depressed and weird thoughts enter my mind, my logical brain knows the thought is absurd while my illogical emotions are simultaneously trying to convince me that their proposed weirdness is my new reality. From past experience, I know it will pass, and I know my logic will return, but for those few brief moments, hours, or days, my perceptions are warped and thoughts of suicide can surface.
Suicide. That word seems so final, but thankfully, it's not always final. At least not for me... and it doesn't have to be for you.
Preventing suicide is the tricky part. People keep trying to enact laws to improve some aspect of suicide prevention, but I've learned that suicide prevention is most effectively accomplished on a personal level. It's simple: We all need people in our lives who truly care about us.
Over the past decades, I’ve learned eight critical things that help to prevent suicide:
1. During an intense crisis, call 9-1-1 instead of the suicide hotline (the suicide hotline requires looking up their phone number which may require too much effort). The 9-1-1 staff will keep you talking until an actual person arrives to help; the suicide hotline will just encourage you to get therapy - which might help, but usually not during a crisis - and the suicide hotline people will only send someone to help you if you specifically ask for that.
2. Arrange to have a close friend you can contact in a time of crisis who will respond IMMEDIATELY with no questions asked. This means you can just text “911” (or something similar) to this friend and they will drop EVERYTHING and come to help you IMMEDIATELY. Sometimes just being with someone is all that is needed.
3. Have a close friend or family member who is committed to a “Depression Drive” (my family's phrase). This person will drive you around for 60-90 minutes at any hour of the day or night to help you stay safe and talking (or not talking, as needed) during the most intense moments of crisis. It’s almost impossible to follow through with suicide when you’re in a moving car with someone watching your actions who is also supportive and loves you enough to do this.
4. Intense depression is an amazingly dark place and logic is NOT something that prevails there. Suicidal thoughts stem from the desire to stop EXISTING - which, ironically, according to my faith, is not accomplished. If someone shares my belief that life continues after death, it may help to remind the depressed person that while their suicide attempt may eliminate the current depression, it will not allow the person to stop existing. PLEASE don’t mention this logic during a crisis unless it’s absolutely necessary (because depression is illogical, remember?). Just throw it out as an idea during that person's happier times.
5. It may help to find some seemingly “normal” people who take medication for depression and then share the names of those people as needed with the suicidal person. For example, I reached out to a close friend during a moment of crisis and she mentioned that her mom takes medication for depression. Suddenly, all of the stigma was gone and I was okay with exploring that option even though I only needed the medication for about a year.
6. Even if you think your loved ones are fine, TALK ABOUT DEPRESSION AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS WITH YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY AND COME UP WITH AN ACTION PLAN!!! Most people who struggle with depression think they are a rare exception in feeling this way. That’s just not true! Tens of thousands of people struggle with this but because no one talks about it, it feels like no one struggles with it and you’re the weird exception. Asking someone if they want to harm or kill themselves does NOT trigger the urge. In fact, it may help release some of the tension and give them an outlet for their thoughts and feelings (unless asking about it is constant). Just don’t try to solve their issues with logic alone (logic is irrelevant, remember?). Listen, ask questions, and discuss the people you’ve previously found who are leading normal lives even though they struggle with depression.
7. Validate the medical reality of depression like you would validate the medical reality of a broken bone. Even though you can’t see it and you may have never felt it, I PROMISE it’s real. It matters that those around the depressed person honestly admit that even though they can’t SEE the problem, they know it’s a legitimate problem that may require the help of a medical professional.
8. A crisis can last for up to 72 hours. After that, it’s no longer a crisis. If you can help someone - sometimes by just being there and not judging them or forcing them to go to work or to school - you can save a life!! Once, I asked the Emergency Room staff about suicide attempts. They said the saddest thing they see is when someone commits suicide by overdosing on medication because it can take up to three days (72 hours) to shut down a person's internal organs. The hospital has people who come for help after their crisis has passed (at some point before the 72 hour mark) but it’s too late - the person's internal organs are almost completely dead. The person has a new-found desire to live, but they only have about 6-12 hours of their life remaining and there’s nothing the hospital can do to prevent their death!! HOW HEARTBREAKING!!!
Even though Bipolar Depression is a different type of depression, these approaches would work with someone who has Bipolar depression as well.
Getting help early and without any type of annoyance on the part of the helper is critical. If you don’t have depression, choose to be someone who helps people to live and choose to make depression and suicide as normal as any other medical problem. If you do struggle with depression, choose to reach out for help and choose to live because your life matters even if we haven’t met yet.
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